[Two Pronged] Concerned for my best friend who caught her husband cheating

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

My best friend caught her husband being unfaithful. His text messages to his ex-girlfriend proved that they were meeting in hotels every Thursday. I reminded her that he told her Thursday nights were the nights he had meetings with his boss that he couldn’t miss.

I insisted she take screen shots of his text messages to her as proof of his infidelity, reminding her to wear better clothes, dye her hair to cover the grey becoming more and more plentiful as the days go on. I even bought her a three-month membership to the gym which frankly is closer to her house than mine!

I don’t know what’s happened to her! When we were in college, we had so many dreams. I was going to be a lawyer to defend the poor, she was going to be CEO of her own company. We would have husbands who had the same dreams we had.

My dream stopped when my husband ran for political office and won. He often reminds me that my dream didn’t stop. It just got bigger. I now help the poor more heading the charities I run as his wife.

It is true that her dream didn’t really stop. This is what she tells me because she is now the CFO of the company she’s worked for since she graduated college and has been promised the position of CEO when he retires.

But what price did she have to pay? The loss of her marriage. She can still fight to get him back, but she has lost interest. She is not even depressed with his betraying their marriage vows. I am so worried about her! She is my BFF, and the only friend I still have from my college days. Please help my friend.

Respectfully and thankfully,

Carol

Dear Carol,

You say that you are worried about your best friend (let’s call her Ana). Ana has caught her husband being unfaithful and as a result has decided her marriage over and is not interested in resurrecting it. 

She had youthful dreams of becoming the CEO of her own company, is currently CFO of her current company and on track to becoming the CEO there. In other words, she is close to achieving at least part of her dream and at the same time unconcerned that her marriage is now behind her. It seems likely that if asked how life is treating her, Ana would answer that things are going reasonably well, at the very least.

Your view of her life is however very different. You are concerned for her, her marriage and her apparent indifference to its failure, while you seem to give her little credit for her success in business. In other words, you and she have diametrically opposed interpretations of her situation.

While concern for your friend is prima facie laudable, perhaps you should ask yourself why you are spending all this energy trying to convince Ana that her world view (with which she seems very comfortable) is wrong. Why do you feel compelled to act this way? After all, it is a maxim of therapy that the only person you can really change is yourself. 

On this subject, Psychology Today gives the following suggestions:

• Examine your own prejudices and biases.
• Be more inquisitive than informative.
• Pause before you jump in.
• Check your ego.
• Look in the mirror, often.

Could it be that you are comparing the extent to which you and Ana have each achieved your college dreams and you find yourself wanting? As a result, rather than address your own issues, you find it easier to address  the shortfalls you think you see in Ana’s life?

Maybe it’s time to look in that mirror, reflect on your own journey through life and where it is leading you, and leave Ana to make her own way, and be happy for her that she is moving on so contentedly.

Best wishes,

JAF Baer

Dear Carol:

Thank you very much for your letter. Dear Mr Baer, thank you very much too, for your letter, which I agree with 100%. I especially like: 

“Could it be that you are comparing the extent to which you and Ana have each achieved your college dreams and you find yourself wanting?”  

Dearest Carol, I hope you don’t mind if I use Mr Baer’s above statement as the  foundation for the rest of my answer?

There are two reasons for that: First, one of the basic tenets of clinical psychology is what Mr Baer said above, and that you can never really tell anything super duper deep about the person written about (in this case Ana) but, if lucky or particularly astute, you can tell a lot about the person who has written the letter (you, dearest Carol).

The second reason is that I think I know something about what you are going through at the moment. I can relate, as can many other women.

How much of our identity is based on the person we married?

Ana seems to have focused more on the work and the person she is when at work for her identity. Bully for her and for every woman who has made such a decision.

But that strategy (“bully for you” and for every woman who has made your decision) can work … until it doesn’t.

Ana’s decision may have worked for her, either because of all she’d been doing and feeling years into her marriage, or it may have worked only when she found out about his infidelity, decided this was not the sort of man she wanted to live the rest of her life with and, happily for her, was able to transition easily to her new priorities.

In that sense, you have been a good friend by supporting her, should her choice have been trying to win him back.

However once you realized this was not what she wanted, perhaps you could have been a more supportive friend by not trying to convince her that your way was best?

Your decision too could be the best you could make, but I can’t help feeling you don’t feel it was.  

Admittedly, you have not spoken to me about that, BUT there are hints; the biggest one is what he seems to have told you many times.

I quote: “He often reminds me that my dream didn’t stop. It just got bigger. I now help the poor more heading the charities I run as his wife.”  

I cannot help feeling he wouldn’t need to remind you so often if you felt 100% right about what you are doing.

Admittedly, I don’t know as much as I’d like to, and I know even less about your husband. I can only make an educated guess (given all you’ve written). However, your dream was “to be a lawyer to defend the poor,” and that you ”would have

husbands who had the same dreams we had.” You then added: “My dream stopped when my husband ran (and won) for political office…”

Why would your dream necessarily stop when your husband became a politician?  

If your husband is an honorable human being – like you and Ana seem to be – and not like the 99% of the buwayas (“crocodiles” i.e. greedy grasping politicians) disguised as statesmen that he has to rub shoulders with practically everyday, the dream of helping the poor can still continue, can’t it, Carol?

But even then, perhaps it is not YOUR dream. Your dream was to be a lawyer to help the poor individually when they were falsely accused, as they often are in this God-forsaken country. 

Running charities is indeed laudable, as long as they are not like charities run by 99% of politicians’ wives who are much like the crocodiles they married. 

But, again, that is not necessarily your dream and helping an individual prove himself innocent would be a dream come true not only for you, but for all those unfairly charged and often indicted (especially when poor). We need many lawyers like these in this country, Carol.

So there it is. My two cents worth about your husband’s character and what your true dream is now…admittedly with very little knowledge of your particular case, albeit quite a few of several others.

If I may add one cent more, dearest Carol, you can still go back to your original dream, you know? Then you and Ana can once again be working hard towards your individual dreams together.
With hope as much as I hope you hope 😊

— MG Holmes

– Rappler.com